Failure of Apple Products in South Asia Linked to Greasy Digits, Improper Usage

South Asians often try to use iPhones after massaging coconut oil into their hair. 

It is not uncommon in India to have one’s hand digits covered in grease. From heads slathered in coconut oil, to chaats bathed in cooking oil, to foreheads and noses slick with facial oil, it is well known that, like fresh catfish, Indians are some of the most slippery creatures in the world.

So when Apple introduced their new sleek touch-screen iPhone and iPad technologies in Mumbai, it was destined to be a total catastrophe. Not only is the touch screen unable to properly read the quick touch of oily fingertips, but the cool thin metallic design is highly prone to shooting from greasy hands like a mango pit, falling onto littered Indian streets. “Did you know a finger coated in oil has greater velocity than a cheetah?,” commented Rohinder Das, Apple-India representative, “It is a challenge we did not anticipate when offering our products to the South Asian market.”

Apple customers, though, are not pleased by the company’s lack of research into the sub-continent. “This phone is a real disaster,” cried Veena Rajamurthi, “Yesterday, as I was massaging oil into my head, I was trying to text my boyfriend “I love you!” But when I tried to select Amit this idiot phone instead selected Dentist. Doctor Bhapti informed my father and asked for my hand in marriage!”

One man was using his iPhone to get directions to a friend’s house, punching in the address as he was eating fried bhajis. While he thought he had selected the city as Mumbai, the touch screen had instead selected Manchester, England. Innocently following the directions, the man drove off the coast of Kerala straight into the Indian Ocean.

Failure of the gadget is also linked to inappropriate use of the technology. One customer was berating an Apple representative, claiming him to be “the bastard child of a sterile goat” for not allowing him to return his broken iPad. The customer explained, “My mother was having a dinner party and, of course, she used my iPad as a tray to serve fresh samosas and chicken 65 to our guests. Now, the garbage thing does not work after such typical usage!”

iPads are commonly used at serving platters for greasy fried snacks in wealthy Indian homes. 

One customer attempted to return an iPhone that had apparently been used to play a rigorous game of badminton. Yet another customer brought in an iPad covered with smashed mosquitoes, cockroaches, moths, and millipedes.

Apple plans to offer to South Asians additional insurance plans, including animal destruction, food particle penetration, and racquet substitution insurance. Further, they are in the works of developing a special processor chip that will allow iPhones and iPads to read the lightening quick touch of a greasy finger.