Los Angeles, CA: This year marked yet another thrilling, skinny, and pale night of white people from all over the world giving other white people accolades for their accomplishments in telling white people stories on television and in film.
Narratives about slavery seemed to be the winning formula for white writers, directors & actors. Daniel Day Lewis was enthralled by his win for best actor in a film, portraying President Abraham Lincoln in the historical film “Lincoln.” “I am so proud to be part of a Civil War film that centered around the issue of black emancipation yet was somehow miraculously able to not have any principal black characters in it,” he exclaimed, “Quite a feat. Quite a feat.”
Incredibly, both Christoph Waltz, one of the white leads in Django Unchained, and Quentin Tarantino, the white writer & director, were winners as well for a movie about a black slave getting revenge on slave masters across the American south. “Two white men winning awards for a movie about slavery — amazing,” cried Tarantino, “America has come a long way in terms of racism.”
Ben Affleck was a surprise Best Director win for his film “Argo” depicting the escape of 6 American hostages during the Iranian revolution. “Wow,” the excited actor turned director exclaimed, “I never thought when I made a movie about the hostage crisis that primarily showed Iranians as angry screaming mobs and had no principal Iranian roles in it that I’d be on this stage…well actually, that would make complete sense.”
The one winner of color during the night was the ever popular Don Cheadle for his role as a cut-throat duplicitous corporate consultant in the essentially unheard of Showtime series “House of Lies.” In his acceptance speech, Cheadle said, “Uhhh…you all know that I am black, right?”
There were quite a few unexpected wins for the evening which means there might be some upsets at this year’s Oscars. “Oscar night we could see some surprises,” said Josephine Toodles of the Hollywood Foreign Press, “Namely different white people from the white people critics predicted would win might win.”