Golden Globes 2013: Exciting Night of White People Giving Each Other Awards

And the winner is. . .oh, definitely not her.
And the winner is. . .oh, definitely not her.
And the winner is. . .this group of skinny white people.
And the winner is. . .this group of skinny white people.
 

Los Ange­les, CA: This year marked yet another thrilling, skinny, and pale night of white peo­ple from all over the world giv­ing other white peo­ple acco­lades for their accom­plish­ments in telling white peo­ple sto­ries on tele­vi­sion and in film.

Nar­ra­tives about slav­ery seemed to be the win­ning for­mula for white writ­ers, direc­tors & actors. Daniel Day Lewis was enthralled by his win for best actor in a film, por­tray­ing Pres­i­dent Abra­ham Lin­coln in the his­tor­i­cal film “Lin­coln.” “I am so proud to be part of a Civil War film that cen­tered around the issue of black eman­ci­pa­tion yet was some­how mirac­u­lously able to not have any prin­ci­pal black char­ac­ters in it,” he exclaimed, “Quite a feat. Quite a feat.”

Incred­i­bly, both Christoph Waltz, one of the white leads in Django Unchained, and Quentin Taran­tino, the white writer & direc­tor, were win­ners as well for a movie about a black slave get­ting revenge on slave mas­ters across the Amer­i­can south. “Two white men win­ning awards for a movie about slav­ery — amaz­ing,” cried Taran­tino, “Amer­ica has come a long way in terms of racism.”

Ben Affleck was a sur­prise Best Direc­tor win for his film “Argo” depict­ing the escape of 6 Amer­i­can hostages dur­ing the Iran­ian rev­o­lu­tion. “Wow,” the excited actor turned direc­tor exclaimed, “I never thought when I made a movie about the hostage cri­sis that pri­mar­ily showed Ira­ni­ans as angry scream­ing mobs and had no prin­ci­pal Iran­ian roles in it that I’d be on this stage…well actu­ally, that would make com­plete sense.”

The one win­ner of color dur­ing the night was the ever pop­u­lar Don Chea­dle for his role as a cut-throat duplic­i­tous cor­po­rate con­sul­tant in the essen­tially unheard of Show­time series “House of Lies.” In his accep­tance speech, Chea­dle said, “Uhhh…you all know that I am black, right?”

There were quite a few unex­pected wins for the evening which means there might be some upsets at this year’s Oscars. “Oscar night we could see some sur­prises,” said Josephine Too­dles of the Hol­ly­wood For­eign Press, “Namely dif­fer­ent white peo­ple from the white peo­ple crit­ics pre­dicted would win might win.”