“I mean, I took some really intense classes last semester,” explained Wright, a double major in Middle Eastern Studies and Economics with a focus on information technology, “I read quite a few books — well, I mean, lots of photocopied chapters out of books and magazine articles — that really explained everything, you know? Before I didn’t know about like, the impact of taxes on productivity or the beef between the US and Iran but now I get it. Yeah, I get most of it. The solutions are pretty simple.”

At late night hang outs with dormmates, dinners with visiting relatives, academic lectures, student group meetings, or with members of the Muslim Student Association tabling in the quad, Wright feels entitled to shamelessly share his partially ignorant views on almost any issue with almost no prompting at all.

“Yeah, it was super annoying,” explained Lizbeth Hernandez, member of the Student Labor Action Coalition, “He showed up late to one of our meetings, kept interrupting us, saying that he thinks its the role of markets to set wage rates, not government, didn’t sign up to actually do anything, and ate half a pizza.”

Wright plans to study Arabic this summer in Dubai while interning with the World Bank.

]]> http://themisprint.com/19-year-old-double-major-in-middle-east-studies-and-economics-has-unsolicited-opinion-on-everything/feed/ 0 http://themisprint.com/ludoo-you-have-an-umbrella/ http://themisprint.com/ludoo-you-have-an-umbrella/#comments Wed, 24 Apr 2013 12:53:31 +0000 Jill Aybi http://themisprint.com/?p=1983 Continue reading →]]>

MISPRINT ANIMATION: Chi, chi, chi — brush your teeth!

“Ghosts have huge appetites and are adventurous eaters,” commented Savage, “So this will really be difficult.”

Jason Tittering, head of wardrobe for Travel Channel, explained the process behind developing the new show. “I was thinking for this show, let’s do something different. Let’s be out there,” said Tittering, “Instead of getting a white male host from New York City — like Bourdain, Richman, and Zimmern — let’s get a white male host from somewhere different, like New Jersey. And instead of having him do one weird ass thing where ever he goes — like eating a lot of something or hunting a ghost or exploring a secret underground WWII bunkers — why not do all of those things at the same time?”

The rugged Marty Savage is a man of many pasts — raceboat driver turned aerial stuntman turned French pastry chef turned professional fish wrestler and now, TV host. The new show airs Monday at 9 pm EST, only on the Travel Channel.

“I’m not sure what happened,” she said in a daze, staring blankly at Hillary Clinton’s Facebook profile. “But I’m pretty sure I was on my way somewhere and I was winning.”

]]> http://themisprint.com/facebook-coo-cheryl-sandberg-leans-in-too-far-falls-into-miserable-empty-life/feed/ 0 http://themisprint.com/worlds-helium-supply-dwindling-future-children-to-sadly-drag-balloons-around-hate-hologram-parents/ http://themisprint.com/worlds-helium-supply-dwindling-future-children-to-sadly-drag-balloons-around-hate-hologram-parents/#comments Fri, 01 Feb 2013 16:15:38 +0000 Hari Umpar Lip http://themisprint.com/?p=1930

“I am sorry about the earth balloons, dear. Come over here and try to give me a hug.” “I HATE YOU!”

2nd Amendment advocates will aggressively throw guns at fighter jets in hopes of destroying a possible future tyrannical gov’t

Baton-Rouge, Louisiana: In response to recent attacks on assault weapons and gun ownership by officials across the country, gun advocates have gone on the defense, loudly yelling at talk show hosts from CNN to FOX about the importance of the 2^nd amendment.

“The 2nd Amendment isn’t there for duck hunting, it’s there to protect us from tyrannical government. 1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms…and believe me, I can’t wait to put on a powdered wig,” a bald Alex Jones, gun supporter, passionately screamed at Piers Morgan on CNN. 

Don’t be charmed by the mustache — Jeff Foxworthy is the incendiary voice of a brewing insurrection

The Federal Government has long been terrified of an armed revolt by chubby rural white American men, making numerous failed attempts to ban assault guns, Jeff Foxworthy comedy specials, and incredibly large tires on trucks as a means of curbing this sinister threat.

“To be honest, we are deeply concerned,” said General Tator Schwartzkoffer, “You’d be surprised how vulnerable a 2.4 ton Army tank is to an AK-47. It can really do some damage to the paint job, which makes the Secretary of Defense incredibly anxious.”

The White House fears insurgents’ Monster Trucks will destroy White House gardens

Narratives about slavery seemed to be the winning formula for white writers, directors & actors. Daniel Day Lewis was enthralled by his win for best actor in a film, portraying President Abraham Lincoln in the historical film “Lincoln.” “I am so proud to be part of a Civil War film that centered around the issue of black emancipation yet was somehow miraculously able to not have any principal black characters in it,” he exclaimed, “Quite a feat. Quite a feat.”

Incredibly, both Christoph Waltz, one of the white leads in Django Unchained, and Quentin Tarantino, the white writer & director, were winners as well for a movie about a black slave getting revenge on slave masters across the American south. “Two white men winning awards for a movie about slavery — amazing,” cried Tarantino, “America has come a long way in terms of racism.”

Ben Affleck was a surprise Best Director win for his film “Argo” depicting the escape of 6 American hostages during the Iranian revolution. “Wow,” the excited actor turned director exclaimed, “I never thought when I made a movie about the hostage crisis that primarily showed Iranians as angry screaming mobs and had no principal Iranian roles in it that I’d be on this stage…well actually, that would make complete sense.”

The one winner of color during the night was the ever popular Don Cheadle for his role as a cut-throat duplicitous corporate consultant in the essentially unheard of Showtime series “House of Lies.” In his acceptance speech, Cheadle said, “Uhhh…you all know that I am black, right?”

There were quite a few unexpected wins for the evening which means there might be some upsets at this year’s Oscars. “Oscar night we could see some surprises,” said Josephine Toodles of the Hollywood Foreign Press, “Namely different white people from the white people critics predicted would win might win.”

The London Tube has roughly the same diameter as a paper towel roll.

London: After learning of President Obama’s reelection, Simon Watson decided to flee an America he no longer recognized, choosing to self deport to his ancestral country, the United Kingdom (although he is 1/8 German, 1/10 French, 1/7 Portuguese, 1/12 Dutch, & a touch Mohican). But after landing in Heathrow Int’l Airport and making his way to Victoria Station via the uncomfortably cramped London tube, Watson was horrified to find brown people scurrying about everywhere.

“God damn it! Is there no escape? I mean, they are selling cell phone holders and assorted spicy nuts right on the lawn of Buckingham Palace!” cried Watson, while flinging a balled up greasy Big Mac wrapper into a well-kept hedge, “Is nothing sacred? And how many Kebab Palaces can you have in one city?”

The spiciest nuts in town can be found at Buckingham Palace.

Watson immediately returned to the airport, planning to go back to the small 99.9% white town he resided in outside of Kansas City, MO. Unfortunately, he was promptly detained by UK immigration for attempting to smuggle 7 kilos of cocaine and the fur hide of an endangered species of fox out of the country.