Egyptian Archaeologists Make Incredible Discovery; Skinny Sarcophaguses Were All the Rage in Ancient Egypt

Cairo, Egypt: Last week, arche­ol­o­gists made a most remark­able dis­cov­ery in the shad­ows of the pyra­mids of Giza — a clus­ter of graves con­tain­ing snug, form fit­ting sar­coph­a­guses, so tight that they appear as almost a second-skin of the bod­ies within.

Sim­i­lar to the cur­rent pop­u­lar skinny jeans trend, while these skinny sar­coph­a­guses made the dead appear to be sleek, trim, and attrac­tive from the thighs down­ward, they suf­fered from seri­ous short­com­ings any­where above that point. Out of the rows of skinny sar­coph­a­guses found at the site, many mum­mies suf­fered from “muf­fin tops,” where side flesh unflat­ter­ingly spilled out of their encas­ing, and “crack attack” where the deep crevice cre­ated by the push­ing together of their but­tocks was also exposed (espe­cially preva­lent for bod­ies mum­mi­fied in a bent over position).

Rather than wear­ing loose fit­ting sweat­pants, many ancient Egyp­tians sought to travel to the after­world in style, stuff­ing their chubby physiques into painfully tight yet fash­ion­able skinny sarcophaguses.

This new dis­cov­ery con­tra­dicts years of what was thought to be well-established fact in the arche­o­log­i­cal world. “We have always thought peo­ple wanted to bury roy­alty in spa­cious sar­coph­a­guses, so they could travel beyond to the other side in rel­a­tive com­fort,” explained Dr. Rabin Ali, lead archae­ol­o­gist on the expe­di­tion, “But appar­ently trav­el­ing in style, no mat­ter how uncom­fort­able, unhy­gienic, or poten­tially embar­rass­ing, was as impor­tant to these ancient peo­ples as it is in mod­ern day society.”