Santa Fe, New Mexico: Today, Archbishop Sheehan of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe held a press conference where he demanded that the federal government take immediate action to conceal smutty ancient rock formations. “I live in New Mexico, home to countless lewd, shameless, filthy rock formations with shapes capable of perverting even the most pure of minds,” cried the Archbishop, “I demand the government take action to protect the people from such tasteless appeals for attention from the natural world.”
“Clearly, nature has very low self esteem,” added the Catholic leader.
The Archbishop then presented several artist’s renditions of how the government might approach the problem of provocative erosion. In one proposal, an elegant yet comfortable nautical-style blouse was placed over the tent rocks of Kasha-Katuwe — a formation which, after hundreds of thousands of years of water and wind erosion, was left resembling the supple, perky, and suggestive breasts of an active teenage woman.
In another rendition, a penile-shaped rock was transformed into a whimsical maypole with children of diverse backgrounds cheerfully skipping around it.
The Archbishop plans to take his protest to the Grand Canyon next to build support — introducing a plan to put an incredibly large pair of underwear over the impressive crevice.