Baton-Rouge, Louisiana: In response to recent attacks on assault weapons and gun ownership by officials across the country, gun advocates have gone on the defense, loudly yelling at talk show hosts from CNN to FOX about the importance of the 2nd amendment.
“The 2nd Amendment isn’t there for duck hunting, it’s there to protect us from tyrannical government. 1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms…and believe me, I can’t wait to put on a powdered wig,” a bald Alex Jones, gun supporter, passionately screamed at Piers Morgan on CNN.
The Federal Government has long been terrified of an armed revolt by chubby rural white American men, making numerous failed attempts to ban assault guns, Jeff Foxworthy comedy specials, and incredibly large tires on trucks as a means of curbing this sinister threat.
“To be honest, we are deeply concerned,” said General Tator Schwartzkoffer, “You’d be surprised how vulnerable a 2.4 ton Army tank is to an AK-47. It can really do some damage to the paint job, which makes the Secretary of Defense incredibly anxious.”